ineke.co.uk

I thought it was suspicious when he combed his hair this morning… https://t.co/7tKJWjyjRq

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 29, 2021

I see @amazon have mixed up the phrase "shipping delays" with the words "a complete lack of moral sense and historical perspective" here. pic.twitter.com/CnbeQfXQVL

— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) May 30, 2021

I got told off for sitting on one of the walls in the Abbey but 35,000 tonnes of explosives from the biggest band in the world was absolutely fine @coldplay #BigWeekend pic.twitter.com/DEiKbVxx6u

— Greg James (@gregjames) May 30, 2021

I fixed it.

They are scared. The elite of the world are TERRIFIED because this means we are maybe taking a step towards rewarding hard work and intelligence over status and clout.
As a state school kid AND a Cambridge graduate,I can tell you, WE ARE GOING NOWHERE!#oxbridge pic.twitter.com/wmjZmFVjSN

— Molly Rebecca Wilson (@mollrebecca97) May 30, 2021

If Old Etonians don't get automatic access to Oxbridge, before you know it they won't have automatic access to 10 Downing Street. And then where would we be?

— David__Osland (@David__Osland) May 30, 2021

Exciting new phrase for something you had no idea about previously and which instinctively seems like bollocks: "Is the PM a Catholic?"

— Andrew Hunter Murray (@andrewhunterm) May 30, 2021

Pink robins exist. This is a real bird. What a planet. pic.twitter.com/rCj6Tqe7br

— Matt Haig (@matthaig1) May 30, 2021

I do like the idea of Jenny Agutter running away from heavily pregnant women in case they go into labour and recognise her and ask her to help #CallTheMidwife

— Michelle Birkby (@michelleeb) May 30, 2021

An important reminder that Cookie Monster has a British Cousin called Biscuit Monster. You're welcome. pic.twitter.com/SbOLx7QYnL

— Deadly like a poisonous mushroom (@deadlyknitshade) May 29, 2021

Absolutely love Call The Midwife. Wonderful wonderful lines that reach out of the TV and into our lives: “She has born a child out of wedlock. If that is what consigns her to the margins, the margins are where we dwell and do God’s work.” #CallTheMidwife

— Dr Hannah Mather (@drhannahmather) May 30, 2021

This shop was, very briefly, called La La Land pic.twitter.com/xTJVOBhogt

— Jonathan Dean (@JonathanDean_) May 30, 2021

pic.twitter.com/NaP00iBYgl

— not the bible (@thenotthebible) May 30, 2021

Okay I laughed pic.twitter.com/7KFsmTsAHp

— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) May 31, 2021

Well ladies & gents. You might remember a few weeks ago, the police got in touch to say my wallet had been handed in, that was stolen 20 YEARS AGO. Well. Here it is….. pic.twitter.com/EButW5NfMG

— Ryan Seymour (@ryanseymour1983) May 29, 2021

What a gloriously beautiful day it is! Such lovely weather to go out and do something fun in the sun I think to myself as I close all the blinds, lay on the sofa and switch on Netflix.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) May 31, 2021

Keen to know why people I know are inviting me to things happening in the next month or so without consulting the Euro 2020 fixture list.

— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) May 31, 2021

@WHS_Carpet Terrible trouble buying an ironing board from @Morrisons. No barcode. Got home and found it was printed on the back of the label, under the shrink-wrap! pic.twitter.com/D1qKg5et5l

— Mike in Gloucestershire (@Mike62985013) May 30, 2021

Britain's four seasons:
• Too cold to run
• Too wet to run
• Too hot to run
• September

— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) May 31, 2021

Feel like I’ve landed in a parallel dimension where Prince Andrew didn’t go on national television and say he had a week long breakup party with a sex-trafficking paedophile pic.twitter.com/NFOeq9hNKu

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) May 31, 2021

when did Meredith Grey start designing bags for Aldi pic.twitter.com/mxUzsDRfr3

— emma (@livdunhams) May 31, 2021

To the 1% of people who achieved what they set out to do this bank holiday weekend, congratulations. To the 99% of us who arsed around and forgot to do anything useful with the long weekend, there's another bank holiday in August, we can try again then.

— Dave (@davechannel) May 31, 2021

Happy Birthday to this inspirational Olympian, Eric Moussambani! 😍#StrongerTogetherpic.twitter.com/OY25eNdGuY

— The Olympic Games (@Olympics) May 31, 2021

The fury of the press when someone chooses politely not to speak to them is quite something.

— David Baddiel (@Baddiel) June 1, 2021

I’d wager that if the June 21st ‘freedom day’ were delayed by, say, two weeks to allow many more vaccinations, most of us would understand. Am I wrong? Go!

— Armando Iannucci (@Aiannucci) June 1, 2021

Size of that dandelion pic.twitter.com/XTqZhPIbvi

— Paul (@bingowings14) June 1, 2021

Admiring their blind optimism here that Hollywood actresses would be allowed to age https://t.co/BLX2rrqwV3

— Tom Jamieson (@jamiesont) June 1, 2021

Piers Morgan says a female tennis player shouldn't play the sport if she can't face difficult questions.

Piers Morgan being asked a difficult question: pic.twitter.com/ConJ3lnh9g

— joe heenan (@joeheenan) June 2, 2021

Word of the day: CONFELICITY – joy in the happiness of others.

— Quite Interesting (@qikipedia) June 2, 2021

My twin son, Henry, died 2 years ago this week. It’s bloody awful losing a baby, and nothing people say can make it ‘worse’ BUT thoughtless words can hurt/be triggering. Here’s a random selection of things I’ve had said to me since Henry died, with associated gifs.

— Dr. Elaine Gregersen (@alawuntoherself) May 31, 2021

I like to think I’m fairly intelligent but yet if I have an injury on my body, like a bruise or a cut or even something like a mouth ulcer, that hurts when I touch it then WHY OH WHY do I randomly keep hurting myself by touching it to test if it still hurts when I touch it.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) June 1, 2021

When the cameras stopped rolling today…… @chris_kammy went straight for the pan of @simonrim ‘s clotted cream mash 😍

Caught by producer @matjscott 🤣#stephspackedlunch pic.twitter.com/q3dDVx7FYw

— Steph McGovern (@StephLunch) June 1, 2021

Consider for a moment the fact that it has taken until *today* for arrivals from red list countries to enter Heathrow through a dedicated terminal. Insane.

— Ian Dunt (@IanDunt) June 1, 2021

Swimmers enjoy warm weather in London at the Sky Pool which is believed to be the world’s first transparent pool built between two skyscrapers
https://t.co/mtRX8qvt0a pic.twitter.com/2skTGK9Jp7

— BBC News (UK) (@BBCNews) June 1, 2021

Be careful out there and 'passata safe distance'. 🍅😁 BBC News – A14 in Cambridgeshire shuts after tomato puree spillagehttps://t.co/CfDg2jdmCq

— Moorepheus (@moorepheus42) June 2, 2021

A14 closed after two lorries spilt tomato puree and olive oil across the road. Apparently one lorry jack-knifed, causing the second one to jack-knife, in a dolmio effect. https://t.co/r9Lrn18hgQ

— Drivelcast (@drivelcast) June 2, 2021

It’s an unpopular view but I just think we might all have to accept that we shouldn’t go on a summer holiday abroad during a pandemic.

— Stig Abell (@StigAbell) June 3, 2021

Latest summary:

WHAT THERE IS MONEY FOR:
£37bn on a failed Test & Trace
£billions on dodgy PPE deals for cronies
£16bn on bombs & guns
£200m on a big yacht

WHAT THERE ISN’T MONEY FOR:
Proper pay rise for nurses
Proper education for kids

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 3, 2021

Makes me wonder which cabinet minister has a friend from university whose pedalo manufacturing company is about to land a £200m contract for a luxury yachthttps://t.co/AdlYgkVTN7

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) May 30, 2021

Boris Johnson, March 2021:
“My biggest priority is to help children catch up on education”

In unrelated news, money to be spent on helping children catch up on education:

US: £1600 per child
Holland: £2500 per child
UK: £50 per child

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) June 4, 2021

Tell me how over the tell me without telling me format you are without telling me how over the tell me without telling me format you are.

— Matt Parker (@standupmaths) June 4, 2021

Does Naomi Osaka even know who Piers Morgan is? If not I hope it stays that way.

— Dr. Jennifer Cassidy (@OxfordDiplomat) May 31, 2021

It's absolutely staggering to me that a party which basically fought a referendum and a whole bunch of elections screaming about controlling our borders has, during a global pandemic, not even attempted to control our borders.

— @mrchrisaddison@dizl.de (@mrchrisaddison) June 4, 2021

Happy #Caturdaypic.twitter.com/PcGoDsvKzu

— Larry the Cat (@Number10cat) June 5, 2021

The warmer the weather, the longer the cat. #Science pic.twitter.com/qWCk57hZOq

— cluedont (@cluedont) June 5, 2021

This is BBC News with @MartineBBC and 'nope'…the wonderful Peter Beaven. pic.twitter.com/7s2g51TBBf

— Jack Surfleet (@jacksurfleet) June 5, 2021